


Meet Me at the Equinox

by Courtthesatchmo96



Category: Free!
Genre: 2020 Summer Olympics, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Feelings Realization, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Gou is second born and second place to the one person she didn’t want to compete for, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Love Triangles, Love triangles gives Gou headaches, M/M, So much angst, Sousuke and Gou both have a lot of feelings and struggle to express them in healthy ways, Sousuke is in love with two people, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, angst like woah, emotionally stagnant Sousuke, in which Gou does everyone else's emotional labor but her own, life regrets, literally trying to fuck away your feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-15 12:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13030647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Courtthesatchmo96/pseuds/Courtthesatchmo96
Summary: Loving someone is all about intention, and to Sousuke love is an afterthought or at least that is how Gou sees it. Both of them feel like they need each other and neither can let go.





	Meet Me at the Equinox

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mako_lies (wingeddserpent)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingeddserpent/gifts).



   Knuckles curled, fingernails biting into the palm of his skin, his nails are not long enough to dig and break into calluses, but the ghost pressure is enough to keep him grounded, and it’s on that he focuses. He’s lying in Gou’s bed, her legs curled into her chest and propped between them. He lays not on his back, face to the ceiling to make himself distant but rather on his side, putting too much weight on his bad shoulder so he can face her. She is asleep, her head cradled in the crook of his neck and his body is tense. It’s not the pain in his shoulder that furrows his brow and deepens his scowl, but rather how close they are.  
     

     This unexpected intimacy of her long brown hair, not in its usual perfect ponytail, but rather loose and fanned out across his chest, clinging to his cotton tank top like a thin damp sheet. She had curled herself into a ball to fit herself along his torso as if she was a cat. It was the middle of July and Gou’s apartment didn’t have air conditioning. As hot as it was, there was no reason for them to be this close unless it was for sex, and yet here they lay fully clothed. Gou had cried herself to sleep wrapped around him and he hadn’t even wrapped his arms around her in comfort. His arms stayed at his side, one paralyzed under the weight of his body. The other, resting tensely along his ribs. He can’t hold her, though she is right here.

     He is trying not to panic because he never meant to sleep here in her bed- at least not like this. He hasn’t slept just to sleep near Gou in so many years, not since they were kids. She’s an aggressive cuddler in her sleep, same as her brother, and when they were kids it was just as uncomfortable because he was just awkward then as he is now. He has always preferred his own space when he slept. And yet, sleepovers at Rin’s house when they were kids never allowed for that. Like Sousuke, Rin and Gou grew up in a small apartment where they had to share a room to conserve space. Sleeping over generally meant that they would make him a pillow mattress in between their two bed, but they would all end of on the floor anyway snuggled closely together in an attempt to share blankets. Sleeping over for the first time when he was ten, he laid stock still unable to relax for the first hour. Rin was fast asleep back pressed to his chest and eight-year-old Gou’s face was pressed against his back, her breathing deep and slow as she slept.

     It was awkward back then for him because he had been an only child and he imagined isolation was universal. But touch came naturally to Rin and Gou. They hugged each other without a moment’s hesitation, squeezed each other’s hands in reassurance, and patted each other on the back in slow soothing circles when they felt overwhelmed. It was like they were each other’s security blanket. It took him a while to get used to it. But after the first hour of panic, of not knowing how he was supposed to react, and not knowing how to just be comfortable, his body finally sagged from exhaustion and he quickly fell into a dreamless sleep. Until Rin had moved away that puppy pile became the norm and Sousuke once again was plunged into isolation. With Rin gone, there was no reason to spend the night, and it wasn’t like he forgot how to soothe himself to sleep. Cuddling with them had been like having a teddy bear, a sweet comfort that he was told he was getting too old for.

     What he was doing right now though, with Gou, fourteen years later, was not the same in the least. He was panicking, because Gou just cried herself to sleep with him in her room, curling into him as if asking for silent comfort and he froze. And he didn’t think that just because she had sobbed herself to sleep, that she had missed his deer in the headlights impersonation. He didn’t miss the way she stiffened against his torso, even as the tears kept coming, didn’t miss how she tried to hold the sobs in, lips shut tight pressed against his neck, so no sound would come out. She couldn’t take it back and all he could do was lay there. He knew when she woke up she’d pretend for his sake that this never happened. And he could only guess why she was crying. It wasn’t like they had talked as much as they used to in high school. He was so goddamn bad at this. Sousuke took a deep breath and relaxed his hands to rest them hesitatingly on Gou’s back to rub circles in the way she used to for Rin when they were kids and he had lost a swim meet. He only knew how to comfort someone when they weren’t aware of it- and that's not comforting at all.

     She wakes with a jolt hours later, her hands on his chest to push him away, her hands trembling and slow as if they are reacting to a dream she hasn’t yet woken from. They rest there on his chest as she begins to drag herself from sleep into consciousness. She squints up at him at first, still curled up in that fetal position, after having exhausted herself so deeply that not even in sleep had she moved. It’s clear that her head still hurts from crying so hard cause her bright brown eyes widen in confusion for a brief second, and he knows she's surprised to see him still here. He knows that she expected him to leave her as she slept. It was his unspoken rule since they started this. But that second of confusion leaves her open in a way that he hasn’t seen from her since she graduated from high school.

              She leans away as if to right herself before squinting as if seeing him is an illusion she desperately wants but cannot allow herself to have. Her eyes are still red and swollen from crying, her hair has matted itself to her cheeks. He wants to cradle her face in his hands, press his forehead to hers but he doesn’t. He just waits for her to become fully awake. She frowns, pulls her hands back and rolls away. He sits up and leans his back against the headboard, watching her silently. She is embarrassed and so is he. Neither of them knows what to say. Her movement hasn’t stopped. She fidgets with her hands and arms as if to look for a ponytail holder. She makes a move as if to get out of the bed before he rests his hand on her thigh to pause her. She has no reaction other than to freeze.

         If this had been any other moment she would have placed a hand on top of his, basking in an unprompted non-sexual touch. Instead, she stares blankly at his hand before looking up to meet his gaze. She wants to avoid this, and he can’t let her-not after how he froze last night. “Are you okay?” The now was left unsaid, his voice steady as she looked back at him incredulously. He wasn’t confident that she would answer, because the answer was clearly no, and she hated stupid questions like that from him. “I’m just tired Sousuke .” She says, and he knows she’s not lying, at least not directly, but what else can he say? He nods. She moves away from his touch. He knows he has no right to be hurt but his throat tightens anyway.

        He wants her to lean into him like she used to when they were younger, but Sousuke is used to not getting what he wants. After his potential swimming career came streaking to a halt in his senior year of high school, he mindlessly went to work at his father’s auto shop, not bothering to give another potential future a thought. He knew how to move on, but not let go. Rin was the prime example. Even before he tore his shoulder to shreds Sousuke knew what loss felt like. Had tasted the various flavors of devastation: loss of dreams, and love unrequited. He has loved Rin since they were kids. It feels so dramatic to apply such adult words to childhood memories and yet what is childhood but overwhelming feeling that you don't have the names for? He cares too much, fights too hard, reaches out way longer than he should and, so he just learned to not expect anything... and to take what he can get. What more can Gou give him when he, himself, knows he has nothing to give in return. He knows he already takes too much. So, he clears his throat and keeps his face neutral.

         “You want to shower before you go?” she offers, before finally wrapping her hair in a tie away from her face. The humid air of the room somehow becomes heavier as if it is pregnant with the weight of things left unsaid. He shakes his head, “You go first,” he says, with every intention to slip out of her apartment the moment she closes that bathroom door. He hates how he doesn’t remember when he became so afraid to talk to her.  
She nods, reaching out to brush his sweaty hair out of his face. It’s gentle, this gesture of hers and it leaves him feeling guilty for things he cannot explain and wanting things he doesn’t deserve. “I’ll see you later then.” Gou’s tone is soft but dismissive. She was never stupid, she knows he plans to run back home tail between legs like a coward. “Hmm” is the only noise he offers as he gets out of bed.

             When the door clicks behind him minutes later he feels like he always does, sick with a sense of loss.

  As Sousuke walks further away from Gou, apartment, he checks his phone, hoping to distract himself with a text from Rin. There is no new text notification waiting in his inbox. Rin had been avoiding his texts for the last week and it was starting to piss him off. It felt like when they were kids all over again and he was frustrated that Rin would go ghost before telling him what was wrong. He pauses in his steps as he goes to pocket his phone. And with a sigh, he wonders if it was because Rin had somehow found out about him and Gou. It was unlikely and, yet Sousuke couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going on. Sousuke slowly began to make his way to the bus stop.


End file.
